Winners do what other people won't.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
