I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Perception is everything.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
