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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.

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You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.

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Don't allow someone to be your priorty while allowing yourself to be there option.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.

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I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Love needs to get glasses.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.