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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.

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A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.