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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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Dreams lift when reality falls.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.

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You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...

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Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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Playing comes first, you can work later.

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.