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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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If you can't beat them, taze them.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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I know the beginning and end of this book but what shapes life are the chapters between.

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.

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A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.