You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
Be positive for no reason.
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