You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
It's weird not to be weird.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.
Don't look back. You'll miss what's in front of you.
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