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Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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I know the beginning and end of this book but what shapes life are the chapters between.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.