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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.

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Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.