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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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Everybody spread positivity.

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You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.

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Love needs to get glasses.

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.