Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.
Negativity is poison for the soul.
True friends stab you in the front!
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.
