If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.
Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
Love always costs more than you can afford, but its always worth the price.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
I eat problems, then shit out success.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
