Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.
When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.
I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
