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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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When your mum decides to be in the room while you're on the computer so you just switch to Google and just stare at it.

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.