Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
