Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
When your mum decides to be in the room while you're on the computer so you just switch to Google and just stare at it.
Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....
A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
