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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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Always remember to smile.

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I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.

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You don't have to understand to be understanding.

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Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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Dreams lift when reality falls.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.

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Take it easy, give it hard.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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F that B.

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.