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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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True friends stab you in the front!

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.

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If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.

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When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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If you can't beat them, taze them.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.