Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.
Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.
If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.
Negativity is poison for the soul.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
Born to be different, like everyone else.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
