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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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If you got haters, you must be doing something right.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.