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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.

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I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.