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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?

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Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.