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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."

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I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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Born to be different, like everyone else.

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Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.

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The smile is every woman's sexiest curve.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.