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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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If you can't beat them, taze them.

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Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.