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Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.

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Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.