If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.
Some people should be high-fived...in the face.
A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
