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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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Everybody spread positivity.

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I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

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I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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You live and you learn.

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You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.

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Real eyes realize real lies.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.