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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.

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Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."

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The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

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Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.

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Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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Be positive for no reason.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.