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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.

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That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...

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Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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The world is full of guys, be a man.

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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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Patience gets you everywhere on time.

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.