Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
Perception is everything.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."
I'm not a nerd, I'm just smarter then you.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Maturity is knowing when to be immature.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
