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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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You inspire me to be a better pervert.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.