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I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.

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The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

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Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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You live and you learn.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.