I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Haters are just confused admirers.
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.
