There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.
The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
It's weird not to be weird.
Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.
Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I
The world is full of guys, be a man.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
