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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.

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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.

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A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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I'm not a nerd, I'm just smarter then you.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.

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Haters make you famous.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.