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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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It's weird not to be weird.

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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

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Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.

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I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.