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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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Negativity is poison for the soul.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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If there was only woman ruling the word there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries jealous of each other.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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If you got haters, you must be doing something right.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.