What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
Haters are just confused admirers.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.
