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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.

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Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.

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Everybody spread positivity.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.