If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.
Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.
I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
