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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

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I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.

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I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.

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I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.