Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Sadly some boys think of girls as books; If the cover doesn't catch their eye they don't bother to read whats inside.
I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
You don't have to understand to be understanding.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
