Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
History always has a way of repeating itself, bad or good, a perfect circle.
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
