Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
If your not going to win the argument, lie.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
