Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?
Real eyes realize real lies.
NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.
Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
