Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
If you can't beat them, taze them.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
