Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.
Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
True friends stab you in the front!
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
