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If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.