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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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The lottery: voluntary taxation.

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A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.

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Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.

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Haters make you famous.

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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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It's weird not to be weird.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!