That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.
I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.
