That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
I think therefore I am, we think therefore it is.
Take it easy, give it hard.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
