That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.
Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.
If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
