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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.