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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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Its the scars that can't be seen that take the longest to heal.

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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.

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Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.

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May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.

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If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.

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Be positive for no reason.

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Trust in God but lock your car.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.