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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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You can't define love, but love can define you.

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I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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You're only as good as your last game.

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You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.

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God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.