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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.

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Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.

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Don't allow someone to be your priorty while allowing yourself to be there option.

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Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.

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Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.

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Take it easy, give it hard.

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I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...