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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.

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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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You inspire me to be a better pervert.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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Testing boys by not responding to their txts to see if they'll txt you again.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.

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I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

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Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.