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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

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Immaturity keeps me young.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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Some take the bait, others reel it in.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.