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That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.

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I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.

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You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

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Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Negativity is poison for the soul.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.

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Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.