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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer. I'm busy getting stronger.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.