I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
