I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Single doesn't always mean lonely and Relationship doesn't always mean happy.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
Its the scars that can't be seen that take the longest to heal.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
