I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
Playing comes first, you can work later.
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
