Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?
Take it easy, give it hard.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
