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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

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My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.

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.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I

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Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.

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Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.