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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

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Be positive for no reason.

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Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

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That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.

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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.

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Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.

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If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?

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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.