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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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Born to be different, like everyone else.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.

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I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.

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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.