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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

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Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

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A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.

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Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.

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You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.