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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.

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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.

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You're only as good as your last game.

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Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.

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If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.