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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

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I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

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I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.

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You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.

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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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Haters make you famous.

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Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck

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Dreams lift when reality falls.