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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.

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Real eyes realize real lies.

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I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

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You're only as good as your last game.

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Playing comes first, you can work later.

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I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.

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When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.