My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck
Winners do what other people won't.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
