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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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It's weird not to be weird.

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Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

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Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Would you like a table? ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please." -_-

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.

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The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.