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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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Single doesn't always mean lonely and Relationship doesn't always mean happy.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

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Sadly some boys think of girls as books; If the cover doesn't catch their eye they don't bother to read whats inside.

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If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.