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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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You live and you learn.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.

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Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.