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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.

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Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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Shit happens bro. Now get over it.

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Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.

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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.