The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
Born to be different, like everyone else.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.
S_CCESS can't be complete without U.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
