The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
Trust in God but lock your car.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams and waking up early in the morning.
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
