The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
