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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.