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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.

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Regret lasts longer than fear.

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I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams and waking up early in the morning.

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The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Trust in God but lock your car.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.