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Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.