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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

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If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.

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Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.