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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.

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Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.

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Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.

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I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer. I'm busy getting stronger.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?

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The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.