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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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Trust in God but lock your car.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.

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Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.

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Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.

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No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...