I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
Don't wait for anybody to complete you.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
