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If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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Testing boys by not responding to their txts to see if they'll txt you again.

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You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.