If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.
Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.
That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.
I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
