Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.
Patience gets you everywhere on time.
Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.
Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
Winners do what other people won't.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
F that B.
Cool story bro, changed my life.
