Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?
I eat problems, then shit out success.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
