Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.
Make money, don't let it make you.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
