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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"

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Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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Fall in love with my mind.

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.

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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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Haters hate because they are what you ain't.