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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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Be positive for no reason.

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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.