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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

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Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.

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Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.

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"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.