Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.
