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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?

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Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

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S_CCESS can't be complete without U.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.

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Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.