A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.
When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.
A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
