A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
