A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Make money, don't let it make you.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
