A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.
Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
I eat problems, then shit out success.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
