Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
