Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Always remember to smile.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.
Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.
Don't allow someone to be your priorty while allowing yourself to be there option.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.
