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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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S_CCESS can't be complete without U.

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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Would you like a table? ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please." -_-

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!