Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.
Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
You're only as good as your last game.
I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
