Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
Fall in love with my mind.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
Don't look back. You'll miss what's in front of you.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.
Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.
That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.
