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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

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The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.

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Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.