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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Haters hate because they are what you ain't.

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.

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I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

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Always remember to smile.

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The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

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There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.

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I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.