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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.

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I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.

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We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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Patience gets you everywhere on time.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!