Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesnt happen again.
There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
