Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Born to be different, like everyone else.
It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
