Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Everybody spread positivity.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
