Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
Nice shoes! Wanna screw?
Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
True friends stab you in the front!
If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
