Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Immaturity keeps me young.
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.
Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.
You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.
