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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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I'm not a nerd, I'm just smarter then you.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.

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Single doesn't always mean lonely and Relationship doesn't always mean happy.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes