Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
When your mum decides to be in the room while you're on the computer so you just switch to Google and just stare at it.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
Behind every girls favorite song, is an untold story.
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
