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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Be positive for no reason.

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.