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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.

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Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.

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You know you love her when people think you're crazy.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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You inspire me to be a better pervert.