Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
Real eyes realize real lies.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.
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