Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
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