Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.
Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.
Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
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