Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.
Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Immaturity keeps me young.
Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".