Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
Maturity is knowing when to be immature.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
Haters are just confused admirers.
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.
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