Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.
Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.
Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Trust in God but lock your car.
After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams and waking up early in the morning.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
Make money, don't let it make you.
I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.
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