The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
Nice shoes! Wanna screw?
Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
Dreams lift when reality falls.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.
Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
