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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.