The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Immaturity keeps me young.
You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...
Don't wait for anybody to complete you.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.
Some take the bait, others reel it in.
