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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.

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Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.

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A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.

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I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.