Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.
It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."
I think therefore I am, we think therefore it is.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.
You live and you learn.
How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
Cool story bro, changed my life.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
