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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Always remember to smile.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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When your mum decides to be in the room while you're on the computer so you just switch to Google and just stare at it.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'