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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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Face your problems, don't facebook them.