Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.
How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
