Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.
