If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer. I'm busy getting stronger.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.
That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.
