If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Don't wait for anybody to complete you.
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
History always has a way of repeating itself, bad or good, a perfect circle.
When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.
I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
