If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
Some people should be high-fived...in the face.
Love needs to get glasses.
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
